Woman: My name is Nany. I’m only 8 months old, and in two minutes I go to the butcher’s block. When I was just a week old, they branded me with a hot branding iron, so I ran away from that farm. I ended up at another one where they branded me again with all the initials of the owner’s 8 sons. At that farm, I made friends with a goat called Sgleazy. He got me to smoke my first doobie. It was love at first puff, and from that moment on, I just laid around the farm. Sgleazy and I were inseparable. Then one day we decided to try mushrooms. They hit him wrong and he went nuts. He ran out into the road saying he was going to stop a truck with just his stare. The truck didn’t even see him. The funeral was really sad. I gave up the weed and dropped 250 kilos in a week. The hogs started laughing at me and told me I was pathetic. I kept bawling over and over again, I’m a Holstein, I’m a Holstein…
VOICE OVER: No cow can make you cry unless it’s got Hot Sauce from La Constancia on it.
MAN: My name is Marcos the Tuna. I was born on February 13th on Fishing Day. That’s why I am an orphan. My blind old grandfather was the only family I had left and he took me in. On October 31st, he dressed up as the Little Mermaid, because he had no idea if I was a little boy tuna or little girl tuna. Since then, everyone calls me Little Mer-boy. Anyway, I didn’t live with him very long, because a barracuda had him for lunch, right in front of my eyes. Then an octopus took me under his tentacles. Well, he came home drunk every night and beat me and beat me and beat me and beat me and beat me and beat me, and then he beat me again. The first time I fell in love, it was with a piece of bait. Then I tried dating an electric eel. We have 76 little tuna fish babies but they all got electrocuted hatching out of the eggs. After that, I got addicted to snorting brake fluid from sunken yachts. That was when I met Sonia, the Piranha. I fell head over heels for her, until one day we got into a fight because she cheated on me. That’s why I don’t have my right eye anymore. I had to start wearing a patch and now they call me Merboy Pirate.
VOICEOVER: No tuna can make you cry unless it’s got Hot Sauce from La Constancia on it.